i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
