we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
