All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
