We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
