Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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