I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
