considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you win again, gameday.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
