omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
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His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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