she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He did a backflip because drugs
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