i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
