2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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