def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
