I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
