I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
