Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize