youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
