i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
