OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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