just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
