He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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