i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
