Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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