I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
