I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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