just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Randomize
