I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
