Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
