I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
