I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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