I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i drank out of a bidet.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
