Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I wish you could order shots online.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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