I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
