He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
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I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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