im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
