She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
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You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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