I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
