We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
