Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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