dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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