I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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