You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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