I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Randomize
