I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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