Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Randomize
