Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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