jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
