the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
You know, be my cock's hype man.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
