wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
