I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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