The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
he told me I talked like a deaf person
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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