I want to have your abortion
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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