I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
