i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
