My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
