Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Thank you for not boning my boss.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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